Starting at ground level is better than starting below ground level.

Oh my. There's that saying about when you fall, you fall hard or something like that. It's a mental trip thinking I am one thing and then being proven to be another. My body and mind and capabilites are no longer in sync. Everything I was and knew is different.

Before my DVT knocked me down, I was in the best shape and health of my life, I was running miles in preparation for my marathon, was working out hard, gaining real strength and muscle tone. My high blood pressure was being managed by my healthy diet and lifestyle... I was on top of my game and literally flying. Tim McGraw's 'Live Like You Were Dying' met my iPod when I was preparing for my skydive, but now it has even deeper meaning!!

GOOD HEALTH AND FITNESS SHOULD NEVER BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED... it can change on a dime... as I have found out.

So... here we go...

After a week of negotiations, I swallowed my losses and joined my new/old gym yesterday. I have had enough of playing games and just needed to get back IN the game. For the last month I have spent most of my time in bed with my leg elevated - either in the hospital or at home. I've listening to my docs and everyone else to 'take it easy', 'don't overdo it', and watching my leg swell and shrink, turn purple and pink, seeing veins pop up as the blood finds it's new path, feeling strange sensations in different places. The only constant has been pain. Somewhere there has always been pain since April 20, 2009. Sometimes it's a dull ache, other times it wakes me and makes me scream, but always pain.

My former life of all natural eating and healing has been invaded by narcotics, Lovenox, Coumadin, and Xanax. Rat poison. I can't wait to lose them all.

I have been brought to tears by the blessings and friendship of loved ones, ridden the roller coaster of extreme anxiety and depression and uncertainty, and experienced very defining moments of faith and joy that I would not have ever known without this turn in the road for me. God is good all the time. I am trusting him through this.

So... today I did something easy and familiar and again GIDDY... I have my gym home back even if under a different name, I went to the gym. I was going to be ME again.

I probably haven't mentioned that stairs and I haven't quite met our peace with each other. The 'new' gym is being completely remodeled. The elevator was out of service. Just the walk to find that out was humiliating. Facing the stairs and slowly mastering each one (with the memory of sprinting up and down them only barely more than a couple of months ago under the direction of my trainer) was VERY VERY humbling, but I made it to the top. Small victory.

Everything upstairs was different... other than a few familiar nods from former / newly placed gym members.. they don't know where I've been or why, their looks were all about seeing a familiar face after a major gym shake-up, a 'feeling your pain, isn't this baloney' (if only they had ANY idea lol) in a different sort of way but still, it was a little bit of home...

I looked around for all the familiar upper body workout machines... nothing was where it belonged, NOTHING where I had left it! All the machines were different. (and REALLY...now that I can't use them to the level I did, NOW they have cool tv's on the treadmills???? WHERE were those when I was gasping for my last breath on the last miles of my long runs?)

Finally I decided to start on the recumbent bike... the one I intended to visit last week. Slow and easy. After a few false starts I found my groove. I was jamming to my iPod and watching the distance and time and felt my left foot go numb, I couldn't feel my toes. DANG. I could feel my compression stocking that is now my constant companion when not elevating getting tighter and tighter... my leg swelling, pain from calf to my in my upper thigh, groin as it rebelled against the blood flow. My inner ME wanted to push through it, but I heard the voice of my doctor... LISTEN to your body, let it tell you your limits. I had ridden only 1 MILE when I limped off of it and found an upper body machine and did a few sets. That was even odd and unfamiliar and I was nowhere near the resistance that I had left it. I did my cool down on a few walks around the track... trying to find perspective, trying to memorize the placement of the new machines until I limped downstairs and out.

Before leaving my gym, I made an appt. w/ my new trainer (since my old one got fired in the takeover) for Tuesday morning. I will have her show me how to use some of the new equipment and some upper body / ab workouts to work on as I gain my strength back. I will have her help me figure out something to do.

Due to the take over of the new gym, the pools are being redone and are not open yet. There are currently no current pool programs on the schedule. I am needing someone to show me proper form and technique in the water as I basically just know how to stay alive, NOT work out or swim properly or effectively. One perk of the new bigger gym is there are 8 locations in the valley and I can work out at any of them. Instead of going home, I drove the 4.5 miles down the road to the next location. Their pool was open and they have a water aerobics class on M/W/F mornings and T/TH evenings. I gimped in, made friends with the manager there, and he gave me a tour of the gym and the pool. I needed something to look forward to, a goal. I will join the old ladies on Monday morning for water aerobics at that location. The new manager, Ryan, said he can show me technique, he is a lifeguard. He gave me verbal tips and if it is applicable I will swallow my pride and take him up on his offer to teach me to swim correctly. I am grateful for the resource.

Even if it's one mile, or one lap at a time, I am going to get my strength back. The hardest part is patience... endurance and determination can't win this one on their own like I am used to. I need patience to let my body dissolve the clots.

My mind on who I think I am / expect to be and my reality are 2 completely separate things right now. I am not in tune w/ myself, I don't know this leg or this body... who are they and where did I go?

So I went from being in the best shape of my life to literally ground level. Fine. Not going to cry anymore about it, afterall, the only place I can go from here is UP!

I might be competing w/ old ladies in the pool right now, but my biggest competitor is always myself and I am just SO GRATEFUL AND BLESSED to have lived through this and be allowed back in the game.

New Blog title, new twist on life, becoming a NEW ME one step at a time...

Whoa... I don't even know where to start. I have thought about blogging my latest detour in my life this past month, but it wasn't until today that I realized that I need to document even the tiniest things, that that the little blessings in life are HUGE steps.

I NEED to look back on this and see progress, and I intend to see just that.

This blog used to be titled "RUNNING on the raw edge."... I changed the first word as I have learned that it isn't about running, it is about LIVING. I AM a runner, an athlete, but am also becoming a me I don't know yet. Right now I am not running at all... they tell me I will no longer be a runner - we'll see. In the meantime though...

A brief timeline since I got too busy 'running' and abandoned this blog...

• March 13, 2009 - minor surgery that put me on 'light duty' at the gym for 6 weeks. Recovery from that went well... I took some down time and traveled with some amazing friends and went SKYDIVING in San Marcos, TX which remains to this day probably the most thrilling activity I have ever done - and I look forward to the opportunity to do it again! I still stayed as active as I could and worked out regularly to the limits I was allowed. I am so grateful that I was able to experience that and some quality time w/ amazing friends before all this!
• April 20, 2009 - more traveling, came home from a 7 hour drive and injured my back bringing things in. Symptoms the next day resembled sciatica. That week was trips to the chiropractor and symptoms continued to get more concerning. Doc put me on bedrest and told me to go straight to ER with ANY changes. I was unable to walk from that day on for over 3 weeks.
• April 25, 2009. That's the day my life really changed. Ironically (and frustrating) it was the EXACT DAY I was allowed off 'light duty' at the gym and had planned on getting back to my hard core training schedule for my marathon. Prior to my surgery in March I was at the gym daily barring extreme circumstances either running or doing weight training with a trainer. Instead of going back to the gym, I was being admitted to the hospital with an acute case of DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis). My entire left leg was full of blood clots from pelvis to ankle. I spent 5 days in the hospital in a whirlwind of IV's and pain meds and returned home w/ Lovenox injections and a plan of regular visits to the Coumadin clinic for the next 6 months where I get my blood taken and Coumadin levels adjusted to the 'theraputic' range.
• May 4, 2009. I received my handicap hanger for my car from the DMV complete w/ a registration with MY name on it. My doc had sent in a form. Looking at it I got angry and frustrated and cried... it felt like the state of Idaho was 'rubbing it in'... it has an expiration of Oct. 29, 2009. I don't intend to need to renew it.
• May 11, 2009. After being on bedrest the majority of the time and many setbacks I had been contacted by a surgeon the Friday prior. On Mon, May 11, I had a surgery that removed most of the clots from my knee to pelvis. They found my iliac vein in my pelvis was being crushed by an artery and they put a stent in, the surgery was to help prevent the long term damage of PTS (Post Thrombotic Syndrome) and help salvage the long term function of my leg. It was an outpatient surgery that I was AWAKE for ... watch the animation - yes, the wire tickled... and it HURT when they were working on my pelvis and inflating the balloons and putting the stent in.
• May 12, 2009. I WALKED into an event planning meeting. The personal victory was worth getting snarked at by my clients and colleages! ;) That day was the first day I had walked in over 3 weeks! Ok... it was more of a gimp than a walk, but I was crutch free!!!
• May 14, 2009. GIDDY... had decided to go back to the gym and just sit in the recumbent bike and try to move a little... I HAD LIVED through this, I wanted to feel alive and find me again... except when I got to the gym I found it had closed overnight and had been taken over by a different gym... enter a week of hardball and negotiations trying to recoup money lost... and some discouraging symptoms and setbacks w/ my leg. (extreme pain/swelling etc.)
• May 18, 2009. A chat w/ my surgeon was very discouraging. He told me I was crazy to try to work out and return to work so soon, but not harming myself as long as I kept it low impact and avoiding trauma. He told me to let my body tell me my limits but to lose the athelete's attitude of working through the pain, instead to listen to the pain/swelling on when to stop and slow down. He said there is nothing more they can do for me medically but to wait on the Coumadin therapy and hope my body dissolves the rest of the clots (I still have them knee to ankle). We will ultrasound again in another 5 months from now and see my status. He told me that due to permanent damage that I have a different body now, that I might never fully recover from the clots and not to even TRY to run for at least 6 months and not to count on my expectations of running my marathon, that I am no longer a runner. He was the 4th medical person in a week to tell me that. I am holding out on GOD to prove that one to me and then and only then will I accept it. In the meantime, I am shifting gears and taking up swimming for rehab, w/ my doctors blessing. He said that is a great and safe full body workout for me, and that I can also do upper body workouts as I feel able at the gym. PRAISE GOD I have options!!!

Running out of time!!!! Don't miss the TARGET before the lights go out!!

Well, I INTENDED to get my long run in at the gym tonight. Problem is, I normally go on Saturday mornings, but had somewhere more important to be on this day. I just ASSUMED tonight would be like any other night and I would have TIME to work it all out.

I paid no mind to the SIGN on the door - I don't know if I've even ever really looked at it and certainly didn't tonight on my way in ... I am a MEMBER for pete's sake!!! It's my gym!!! I can go there any TIME I want. Since the day I joined it has just always been open for me whenever I show up at my whim.

My first SIGN should have been the very scarce parking lot... I thought... hmmmm... party animals huh.. well, it is Saturday night, who wants to be at the gym anyway... some people have social lives.

There were a small handful of people working out and some on the treadmills around me... so I did my warm up and then got into my zone... tuning the rest of the gym out to the songs on my iPod while I occasionally glanced down at my time and distance. I was looking forward to the opportunity to check off this next step in my training, get my long run over with thereby gradually increasing my running time this week so I can do it all again next week and push it just a little further. I am following the advise of my trainer, my mentors and the 'experts' to reach my big goal. Not to push too fast in time and distance increases in order to avoid injuries but not to be too slack either to stay on TARGET. I've got 20 months until my marathon... plenty of time, no hurry... no urgency here.

I started to feel uneasy for some reason... I had only gone a little over a mile when I glanced around and didn't see anyone next to me anymore... the ones cooling down on the track were also not there. That is just plain strange, because there are ALWAYS others at the gym at all kinds of weird hours. Some work out people are completely NUTS about their discipline.

I saw the maintenance guy sweeping... but honestly, he is always around doing something... I zoned back into my music... I had a few more miles to go - too bad everyone else decided to be a SLACKER tonight, but that was not my problem.

Apparently it was.

Yeah... I felt like the Lucille Ball of GET A CLUE ALREADY dorkdom when all of a sudden the lights on the lower deck went out. I looked down and I had only gone a mile and a half. I glanced at my Blackberry. It was 5 minutes to 7pm... WHAT???? - this isn't a holiday... it's SATURDAY... what gives???? I scanned the lower deck for the sorry soul who would flick that switch right back on with an embarrassed apology, I waited for the "Whoops... my mistake..." ... ... ... nothing. UH OH!! I then looked around the upper deck where I was frantically searching for ANYONE to ease my mind... to share my embarrassment with and disqualify it. Nope. Nada. No one.

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! Those SLACKERS had seen the sign...and in my own sense of entitlement and arrogance... I HAD NOT!!! I was in my own 'left behind' episode!

I hurried off the treadmill and grabbed my jacket out of my locker. The maintenance guy was sweeping elsewhere... he acted like he didn't see me but I am sure he was thinking... FINALLY!!!! WAY TO CLOSE IT DOWN GIRL!

I rushed passed the familiar trainer at the front desk and said a hasty but fake 'I meant to be this late' goodbye.. flicking my hair and nodding at him with the feigned confidence of Ms. Congeniality. I STILL HAD 3 MINUTES before the clock struck the hour anyway...but a glance at the doors on my way out confirmed it.. yep... stick to Saturday mornings ... Saturdays 7 - 7 ... hmph... who knew?

I laughed at myself all the way to my car... and at the grocery store where I had to go in in my 'pre cool-down state' all DRENCHED and red faced because I hadn't taken the time to notice the signs ... and by doing that I RAN OUT OF TIME!!! I didn't get my post run cool-down laps on the track in that slowly transform me back to myself before I have to go out and face the world. Instead... my world went dark...

Kinda reminded me of our window of opportunity to RUN with urgency and share those signs with others of our full and free salvation... to aim for those those targets with discipline before the lights go out. Unlike the courtesy displayed on the big glass doors leading into my training field... we don't know how much time we have to do that!!! Are we taking our MEMBERSHIP in CHRIST'S GLORIOUS KINGDOM for granted like I did today at the gym and by not sharing that FRUIT possibly letting others run out of time? Wow... say it isn't so....

Now I have to find time to get that long run in tomorrow in order to stay on track with my training goals and target... Lord willing I will have time - what a GIFT... not to be taken for granted or WASTED.

A journey through the fog... through RAW PAIN... seeking beauty and alignment.

God spoke to me today through purple glitter of all things.

It is a historic day in our house. My daughter J (who will be 10 next month) got her braces put on this morning. Now we are 2/2 in the tinsel department as my oldest daughter B (12 1/2) got her's put on early last month. (maybe I should add a donation link to this blog! LOL)

It is pea-soup-foggy outside this morning. I have lived in this area for for 23 years now and 'just know' pretty much where I am most of the time. That still didn't stop me from missing a major crossroad because I had lost my focus. I was jamming out to Rascall Flatts on my radio trying to wake up after a night where I just couldn't find my sleep and only got about 3 hours if that. I had to do a U-turn to get turned around and back on the right path.

That pretty much personifies much of my life. So many times I have lost my focus in the fog, missed a major crossroad and had to make a U-turn to get back to going in the proper direction. I have a GPS on my Blackberry and a Magellan navigator to help me if I don't 'just know' where I am in my car, and I have a Savior to navigate me in my life but if I lose my focus on him then finding my way back to the right path is just not so easy, if it's even possible.

I love being a mother. It is hilarious and challenging watching my daughters grow up. They make it impossible to hide your truth. They are mirrors right back at you. I am trying and constantly failing to be the woman I want them to grow up to be. I reset my focus and try again. But for the Grace of God go I.

B being the 'expert' brace face now was full of warnings and wisdom for J on the way. It was amusing listening to them. J is such a good sport, both of them are . It brought me back watching them put those barbaric instruments and contraptions in her mouth, stretching it and distorting it in unnatural and uncomfortable ways - I couldn't help but conceal a sympathetic smirk watching her laying there. I remember that feeling... undignified, apprehensive, a little excited, but with her head lower than her body while large blue gloved hands poked and prodded, glued and tied, screwed and scraped while offering her encouragement.

B had her 'tightening' appointment at the same time. A lot has changed since my 2 rodeos with braces. I had them the first time as a teenager and a second time in my early 20's... I had gotten out of alignment and my jaw locked up (still wondering why my husband paid to have THAT fixed... I bet he has regretted that more than once!). They didn't have all the cool things they do now... the colored bands to choose from now are endless, and not just colored but sparkly and even glow in the dark! They get to have a costume party in their mouth every month while in this bondage!

So... J chose the purple sparkly bands and proudly showed off her new tooth art... B got alternating blue and purple. Both of them look a little like they ate a pinata but I am so glad they are having some fun with this!

While checking out the receptionist reminded me and suggested I splurge for the Sonicare ... it's a special deal and can be worked into the payment plan.

Pausing to interjecting a MOM BRAG on my girls here, while I still can...though it has nothing to do with me. So far both B and J have not had ANY cavities ever. That is especially remarkable for J because she was born with hypo-blastic baby teeth which means they had no enamel. Thankfully her permanent adult teeth are fine. So I caved and bought them the limousine of plaque blasters... the go for the gusto to do whatever possible to preserve their white teeth from the ugly stain of decay.

That reminded me of how many times I need a the limousine of plaque blasters from the stain of sin in my life. Praise Jesus for his Sonicare ways!!!

J is giddy and excited right now at this milestone in her life, the pain hasn't set in yet, but anyone who has been through orthodontic care knows that it will!!! Many milestones in life are like that... joy and pain but worth it. She asked me how bad is it going to hurt? I looked at her and said.. "Oh Girlfriend... I am sorry, it's gonna hurt pretty bad sometimes, but you will get through it and it will be worth it." In the meantime, she can decorate it to distract and mask what is really going on. The tugging, pushing and pulling against what is naturally hers. In the end, she will have beautiful and aligned teeth.

I feel like I am going through that again and again. In order to have beauty and alignment in my life I am going through a lot of raw pain and tugging, pushing, and pulling as I try to become a Godly woman, wife, mother, friend. The decay of my sin is always looming wanting to take over. I can smile and dress nice and 'decorate' all I want to mask what is REALLY going on, but that doesn't change the struggle with my human nature and the confusion of the journey sometimes. Thankfully I have that Sonicare - my Navigator through the fog if only I focus and seek Him he will guide me.

Praise be to God I am already beautiful and aligned in his eyes, through Jesus Christ.

I'm Gonna Live Where the Green Grass Grows...

Come on... humor me please and CLICK IT and dance and sing with me in my raw kitchen for a minute ... in preparation for this entry.

It's good for the soul to get your blood flowing that way. (It also makes your kids laugh and call you crazy and makes your dog just plain FREAK OUT.. but hey, that's good for the soul too...)

Let loose now, don't hold back... Let your inner superstar out and ROCK IT. Dance with your kids, dance with your spouse, dance with your dog, dance with whoever or whatever you can find - JUST DANCE!!! ... and have an air guitar challenge... I'll wait.

Wasn't that FUN!!!! :)

I'm often told I don't let any grass grow under my feet... and here's more proof. I've got higher expectations... or at least counter height.

My husband is thankfully pretty tolerant of my raw ways... he's slightly intrigued, slightly amused and yes, sometimes slightly concerned at some of the stuff I try and suggest but hey ... MUNDANE doesn't live here.

I just might be pushing my limits with this one.

He's been gone for a couple days doing an extradition. He was stuck in the Denver airport all day yesterday with his partner and a prisoner after a paperwork mishap made them miss their morning flight home from Phoenix. He had 4 hours of sleep.

This might not be the best time for me to have sprung my new Chia Pet on him but timing has never been a virtue of mine in many areas!

This morning in our 'must get coffee fog' he saw my newest expenditure from the fruit of our labors. He did a bleary eyed double take and said... "WHAT'S THAT?"

Sometimes you just have to say it with a song.. so I broke out in my best Tim McGraw to bring him up to speed. (on that link you can sing it with Tim...I just felt like dancing again...)

THIS is what my husband saw standing between him and his citrus...

Just in case you have the same question he did , that being "WHY?" Here's some healthy gems, er.. stems to chew on:

"Sprouted wheat that grows into wheatgrass about 8 inches long is a very potent source of concentrated nutrition. The solid content of wheatgrass jusice is 70% chlorophyll. It also contains active enzymes; is high in natural sources of Vitamins A & C; is exceptionally rich in B Vitamins; is an excellent source of calcium, iron, magnesium, phosphorous, potassium, sodium, sulphur, cobalt, and zinc; and is high in protein. According to Dr. Ann Wigmore, 15 pounds of fresh wheatgrass is nutritionally equivalent to 350 pounds of the choicest vegetables. Wheatgrass itself is not digestible in our stomachs because it is too full of cellulose and other indigestible fibers. When juiced and strained, however, all the nutrients are freed up and become readily accessible by the body. Wheatgrass juice is also a very powerful body detoxifier. It's high chlorophyll content cleanses the liver, tissues and cells and purifies the blood. When consumed Wheatgrass Juice has been documented to have the following health benefits: Aids in prevention and curing of cancer, Improves digestion, Improves blood sugar disorders, and helps prevent tooth decay. For more information visit http://www.handypantry.com/.

Like many healthy raw choices, this is going to take time... what is on my counter right now looks NOTHING like the box... so I am inviting you all to witness my CPE (Chia Pet Experiment) as it unfolds.

Here is what Step One looks like... this takes 8 - 12 hours in this stage. That's Organic Red Winter Wheat soaking in distilled water with some Kelp Help Liquid Concentrate which contains 102 trace minerals and greatly increases germination rate.

So... while I learn to SLOW DOWN... and as Tim says it," focus on planting my seeds where the peaceful river flows"... which in my translation is under the SON, not just the sun, maybe some of the bars on MY heart will break free as well.

Where are you planting your grass?

The RAW TRUTH... and SLOWING DOWN

I am a high speed kind of gal. My husband told me tonight that I embrace things head on, full on, and with extreme passion.

God has been speaking to me in some hard ways lately, and some funny ways too, but I several things are telling me the same thing.

SLOW DOWN.

I am trying to figure out what that means FOR ME.

My sister was chatting w/ me on Facebook yesterday. She told me my mother had befriended her (we have different moms) and told her that she was concerned about me. Here's how our chat went...

SIS: "She asked me to try to get you to slow down."

ME: "WHAT???"

SIS: "I think she has me confused with the Lord Almighty."

That completely cracked me up ... my sister nailed it!!! My sister knows me to the core. Not only is she beautiful and smart, but she is hilarious and blunt just like I need her to be. I know my sister loves me and is not afraid to tell me the truth or sugar coat it as she sees it in anything. We all need someone like that in our lives.

(oh and yeah Mom, you're busted if you are reading this...)

So I am all raw detoxed now and back into a good high raw food pattern. I am no longer craving the junk I ate the past month and am enjoying the living food I put in my mouth and am feeling energized and satisifed. One of the biggest challenges of eating this way THE WAY THAT IS GOOD FOR ME TO KEEP ME ALIVE is that I cannot be successful and consistent if I don't SLOW DOWN.

To have variety and enjoy all the delicious recipes and options available to me, I have to SLOW DOWN, plan ahead and have patience. Many things need to soak overnight. Many things need several hours or days in the dehydrator. Some fabulous things take a day or 2 or even more to completion. Most and several things are not that high maintenance, but some are. And the ones that are are worth it. Beautiful and wonderful and satifying things take time and patience.

I have all the raw kitchen tools in my beautiful kitchen and it is beautiful. My husband bought me a beautiful home and remodeled my kitchen to be a place that I love being in. He gave that to me in love and I need to slow down enough to respect that, to enjoy it and delight in the hard work and efforts he did for me. Those raw tools are no good to me if I don't slow down and use them. I cannot use them to help me prepare the things to nourish my body, lower my blood pressure, and give me the fabulous energy and feeling of being alive that eating this way does if I am rushing through my days.

I have all 4 of the main raw kitchen tools and more: a Vitamix, an Excalibur dehydrator, a food processor, and an Omega juicer. I even have a spiralizer that makes pasta out of veggies. I have no excuse not to be healthy and stay on the raw wagon.

My counter has 2 full grocery bags on them right now. I went shopping at my co-op on TUESDAY... it is now Friday night. They contain ingredients for some sprouting I plan to learn how to do and some raw recipes I plan to try. Like the fruit and veggies filling my baskets... they will rot and spoil and be of no use to me if I don't SLOW DOWN enough to use them.

That is like life. That is like LOVING. Slow down. Pray. Listen. Think. Plan. Prepare. Follow through. As much as I embrace RUNNING... I need to stop 'running' so much in some areas of my life. It is so easy to get caught up and find yourself literally running off the edge.

In LOVING one has to know how to love in a way to reach their target. They then need to take that knowledge - the love language they need to speak, and plan and prepare and follow through. That cannot be effectively done while running in most cases. It takes slowing down, praying, having patience and waiting on the Lord.

In this case slowing down isn't lazy... it isn't self serving... it is a way to love, to live, and bring glory to God. And that my friends... is my RAW TRUTH right now.

CHOCOLATE CAKE is detox approved ...

WHEN IT'S GRANDMA'S BIRTHDAY!!!

So... now would be a good time to realize I am NOT the poster child for rule following.

There are certain occasions that I toss all protocol out the window and GRANDMA is always one of them.

Until recently she was my workout buddy. Now she's my movie going, martini drinking, laughing, fashion critic, football and wrestling watching, joke and story telling, accomplice.

One of the best compliments I have ever gotten in my life was when she called me her 'best girlfriend'.

I stopped by to bring her presents and chocolate after my workout at the gym so I was a pretty ratty and I was relieved to find her in sweats too.

I love her so much and am so grateful that she lives just 3 miles from us.

The dog... that's Coco - the one who bites me in the rear whenever I leave if someone's not holding on to him. I'll give you a few moments to laugh at that image, then you can donate money to replace the nice dress pants he owes me.

Drop-kicking a boxer and stealing his dinner would NOT be a LOVING thing.

That's what I said to myself at the gym last night after cooling down on the track after doing my weights workout. I still need to repent for the pleasure the mental image of doing such a thing gave me and still does LOL. You know, I think I could have taken him, not due to strength, but due to the element of surprise.

What self-respecting 100lb Christian 'Lady' would do such a thing anyway?
A HUNGRY one.
Never underestimate a hungry woman, especially a hungry woman with a chip on her shoulder... which I was last night.

I went to the gym to do my workout w/ the weights and they were holding some sort of dinner on the lower deck for a big group of boxers... the players not the panties. They had a catered BBQ with ALL the fixins!!! The way the floor plan there is set up, it was open to us sweating and gasping for our lives on the top deck. Normally there are just people playing basketball down there.

The smells... OH MY. Being a high raw vegetarian I haven't eaten barbecue in probably 2 years... minus the mood swing I had last spring when after an event Hottie and I went to lunch and I inhaled a whole plate of finger steaks dipped in BBQ sauce. I don't know what possessed me, and Hottie just sat there and laughed at me while he ate his ruben sandwich knowing me well enough not to try to stop me or argue with me and relishing in his 'I told you so' moment that was to come. I definitely got my lesson in perspective after that. The texture of the dead flesh alone was gagging me, but I did it anyway. The way I felt the next 24 hours after that was bonified validation of the lifestyle change I have made for myself.

Yesterday was rough. While I completely enjoyed my salads and green smoothies I was allowed to have, I was HUNGRY. The detox cravings set in as I was paying for the sins of the past month of too much convenience, junk, and processed food. To add to my torture, I ran across this hilarious YouTube about that food impression guy making SNICKERS blindfolded!

I wish I could remember the name of one of my favorite childhood books. I actually won it in a reading contest in 2nd or 3rd grade but I never forgot it. It was about a poor Chinese family living in a loft above a greedy restaurant owner. The boy's family could not afford to eat nice food, and often had just plain cold rice leftovers that were thrown out at the end of the night from the restaurant. The boy resolved all this eventually by 'stealing the smells' from the gourmet food that was cooking during the day. He closed his eyes and imagined those smells as he ate his bland cold rice and the imagry blended to make his bland food a culinary delight.

I still love the smell of a good BBQ - I just know that the way I am made it is not a good thing for me... so I cooled down on the track and stole the smells. Just as I was finding my peace with the situation, one of the boxers saw someone he knew upstairs and came up to talk to his friend. As I rounded the corner I had to move out of his way and almost collided with his plate of smelly steaming food. I half glared, half laughed at him thinking... are you KIDDING me???? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH HERE??? He moved out of my way with a polite.. 'Uh, sorry.' and I nodded back with hopefully a more sincere than sarcastic smile. It took the next 3 laps to talk myself out of attempting to what I mentioned above. I suppose the Shania Twain blasting in my ears in my iPod didn't help my 'kick-***' attitude.

Isn't it funny how powerful something 'we CAN'T have' can be? Sometimes that is all that we can focus on, it takes over the entire picture and breeds anger, frustration, self-pity, resentment, jealousy and the list goes on. We end up yearning for the things that will do us nothing but harm and bring no glory to Him or his kingdom. I can see Satan having such a party over that... blinding us to only one small side, as our human nature zones in on only that.

Due to my specific dietary and health conditions, I 'CAN'T HAVE' some things. There are other things I 'CAN'T HAVE' because they would be harmful and sinful other areas of my life. I really wish I could say sincerely that I don't ever WANT those 'CAN'T HAVES' but that is just not the case.

Somewhere during my cool down laps, I heard a whisper of ... "But what about what you CAN have? Are you seeking all that, do you even KNOW what gifts I have waiting for you?"

Some people call it the 'glass half full' way of thinking. I spent the next while making a mental checklist of all the HUGE AND AMAZING things the Lord has provided for me of not only the things I CAN HAVE, but DO HAVE and it was an amazing humbling and reassuring revelation. Not only was I reminded that I am blessed so far beyond what I deserve but that there is even MORE he wants to give me, is trying to give me, but I am blinding myself to the 'smells' of worldly fleeting pleasures and that I am not seeking it.

This morning I woke thinking about that boxer and his BBQ and am glad I didn't drop-kick him. What I 'can't have' isn't so important right now, especially when looking over at my sleepy Hottie and hearing the sounds of my daughters' laughter at the dog dancing in the kitchen for his morning treat.

I start today off saying a huge prayer of THANKS for all that I can and do have and all that I have waiting for me. I am still hungry, but my focus for what I am hungry for is shifting.

Detox, Day 2... Fasting, Praying, Hunger = CLARITY and a push back on the wave?!?!

I'll admit, while I respect those who do it for whatever reasons they do it, I don't understand the concept behind fasting for religious reasons - it is just something I am not familiar with, so therefore I don't do it.

This 'isn't my first rodeo' as far as raw detox goes, but in the past I have always either skipped the full on fasting part of it or cut it short due to specific dietary needs I have.

This time, I just really don't have the time or brain power to plan, so I am letting The Raw Diva's tell me what to do - and they said do a water fast for 24 hours followed by a mono meal - so I did.

THAT was interesting and surprising because of course I got hungry... but I was really surprised at the CLARITY I felt while my body was searching for nourishment.

I've been in a real funk the last few weeks... I don't know whether to call it full on depression or stress, but I haven't been able to pull myself up to my 'normal' function. I started joking with my husband to save room for me on the 'mental bus' for his inmate transports his staff does. I've let simple things and important things slide. I might have missed Christmas altogether if it wasn't for my family picking up my slack.

While I felt 'hungry' during my fast, I didn't necessarily feel 'weak'. In fact, strangely enough, I felt very motivated for the first time in weeks... that funk had a sunbeam in it and I could 'see' through the fog just a little bit. I felt compelled to spend a lot of time in prayer and I really felt I was connecting and grasping some things that I have really been searching for. Is that 'hearing God's voice'?

I wasn't sure how my time at the gym would be affected by my fast. I never run or work out on an empty stomach. I went anyway with low expectations figuring I would at least DO SOMETHING. When I went to do my run I had had only water for nearly 21 hours. Amazingly enough, I had probably one of the best runs I have had in a long time. I stopped at 3 miles so I didn't overdo it.

One thing I do while running is listen to my iPod and pray and think. I have a Shuffle so I never really know what song is going to come next, but even the mix of music was PERFECT for this time and season I was in yesterday.

It reminded me of when I took surfing lessons with some friends in California last Spring. When out in the water, and preparing for the first wave, in order for us to not worry about anything but STANDING UP on the board, the instructors would help us turn around into the oncoming wave and give a push... much like that when you are teaching a child to ride a bike. I felt like God did that for me. It was FABULOUS!

I was not running on my own strength... I had none.

What a key and timely reminder that was for me in my faith - another unexpected gift.

Today, I feel like I stood up on my surf board and am back on the wave... I'm still a bit shaky, but I know if I fall off I just need to paddle back out to get turned around again... and I will.








I had a cantalope for dinner last night after making a spaghetti dinner for the family. The refreshing juicy sweetness of it was welcome and spot on. Surprisingly enough I wasn't even TOO tempted to lock them all in a closet and inhale THEIR dinner.

My husband cooks dinner WAY more than me - that's just the pattern we have gotten into around here, especially since I often eat so differently than them. He was honestly VERY surprised when he came into the kitchen in the middle of me preparing their dinner. The look on his face said it all... he felt LOVED and caught off guard by my simple act of nuturing them when they didn't expect it. Like God gives us that unexpected turnaround and push on our surfboard, it is such a blessing to pay it forward to the ones we love. I even shared a little bit of my cantelope with them to sweeten the deal. ;)

I may need to give this fasting thing some more consideration on occasion. I see how God used it as a tool and an unexpected blessing for me when I really needed it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I am LOL'ing wondering how many are like me, starting a blog today or starting something new. What is it about the pretty box checking turn of the calendar that compells us to put ourselves out there or make some bold transformation?

I am also LOL'ing because I can't believe I am doing this. I am a VERY private person living a very public life in ways. I am married to a law enforcement officer and own and operate a successful company specializing in main event private security for some very public clients. Many of my friends and family are still scoffing at me and shaking their head in amusement for finally joining Facebook a couple of weeks ago after being an adament holdout forever.

I was lamenting to a good friend yesterday some New Year's revelations and commitments. In that process I mentioned that I wanted to make a daily focus on some areas and when I woke this morning - in my COFFEE DEPRIVED state I ended up here so I'm going to get over myself and go with it! Unlike many I am not starting something new, other than this blog. Like many I am reaffirming and trying to get a handle and a grasp on my focus and priorities. I have found myself losing sight of myself and needed a place to lay it all out, have accountability, and stop letting the things I hold most precious get lost in my chaos. I had no idea what to call this blog, so I just called the first things that came to mind as to what I am trying to improve on, understand, learn more about and grow in.

Loving
Raw
Running

None of these are NEW to me, except running. I began running in early October. It was a playful 'marriage dare' that got that started. I am still a complete novice but with high hopes and goals and a newfound passion... who knew how addictive running would turn out to be! Along with some very supportive friends and mentors, including my faboulous husband, I completed the Couch to 5K Running Program about a month ago. From there an idea was born to run a marathon for my 40th birthday! What a fantastic way to run towards health and celebrate the LIFE that God has blessed me with ... so in a conversation with my brother, who is a runner he found me my marathon that I am striving to run on 9/19/2010. My husband and I have put it on the calendar and have started a budget. My brother plans to run with me and even sent me a Maui Marathon hat to remind me to stay committed!

So, I haven't even ran my first official 5K outside of the gym, and I am training for a marathon. That is how I am wired though... I created my company on what could be called 'a dare' and it is thriving and I absolutely LOVE my work, my clients, my colleages and especially my staff... THEY ROCK! Eleanor Roosevelt once said 'You must do the things you think you cannot do.' I add to that .. THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH and really... what limits?

As far as LOVING... I need to start at the starting place. I have fallen short on my time with the Lord and it really shows in my life right now. I need to stop and rest in him and listen to what he has to say to me before I go off and running... both literally and figuratively! I also want to focus more on my husband and my marriage and my family. Hottie and I will celebrate 17 years of marriage in May, and I have learned, especially this past year that even good marriages take attention and work. We are in a time of growth and learning and I am so grateful for my strong, solid, faithful, hardworking man who loves the Lord and loves me and our daughters. I want to be the wife he needs and deserves in every way. ...then we enter the jungle.. you know the one... the pre-pubescent one! My 'Button' is 12 and my 'Lily' is 9, nearly 10. There aren't words to describe the experience of growing up with them! I am in complete awe seeing them emerge into the young ladies they will be and I am overcome by the incredible blessing and responsibility of being their mother. My hearts desire is to really BE the woman I want them to grow up to be, not just preach it ya know! They keep me laughing until I cry, and teach me humility and grace and compassion, and patience. I don't want to miss anything God would want me to share with them, experience with them, and learn with them during this short time of hands on parenting.

RAW... it's DETOX TIME... again. Boy do I need it. Disorganization, extreme schedules, depression, and stress, have caused me to eat way too much SAD food this past month and I can feel it. I am fasting today and will have a melon tonight. I will spend the next week detoxing all the SAD food that I have been eating and getting myself back on track. Outside of event planning meetings I don't have to work on site until late next week so this is a great time to do it.